Learning to fade for greater glory

I was going to take a nap but it just wasn't happening so here goes...

I like to sing, and I like Jesus; I like to sing for Jesus

It is something I take pleasure in, be it during mass, or during a praise and worship session, or during adoration, I just like it, It fills me with joy...

...I've also grown to like standing out...

I have a unique voice, every human being does, but I've been told that I do and I enjoy that... I enjoy little children sitting in the pew in front of me looking up and saying you have a pretty voice. I enjoy when someone tells my sisters and I that we had a beautiful harmony and asking if we knew we were doing that (answer no we didn't)...I like standing out...I've become vain...and it is this very standing out which has led me on an interesting journey...

If you pray for something be prepared for God to give you a literal answer

One day at mass, I was praying for God to make me an instrument of His peace...who knew that prayer would lead to many much people insisting that I join the choir...what? I had become content with sitting in the congregation, it had been many much years since I was in the children's choir...and also a few years since I actively participated in a mass related ministry...ok ok fine I will do it...

So I am now in a choir and I enjoy it...and I am learning...learning to fade, learning that its ok if no one can pick out my voice from all of the beautiful voices around me, ok if I don't get credit for singing beautifully from small children because there are none around me, ok if I have to discuss that it is difficult for me to actually hold notes for the appropriate amount of time...

...it is ok for my glory to fade because singing is something to do for the glory of God (funny that I'm about to practice singing "Heart of Worship" tonight huh?)

A professor of mine once said that humility is knowing your place...knowing that I can sing fairly well, but that when I am in the choir I am singing for God and not for me...Its a work in progress.

Be prepared...

...for what you pray for.

I've decided (recently) that I do not like the phrase "be careful what you pray for."

It is often used ...for example...when one prays for patience. I get that when you pray for patience you generally are given opportunities to practice patience and therefore become better at it. The problem is no one wants to practice being patient they just want to suddenly be patient...

I know wouldn't that be great...picture it, standing in the check out line at the store. For one reason or another the cashier seems to be obnoxiously slow...and then it happens...their light starts flashing. You hear them explaining something to the customer in front of them. You know whatever this is it requires a supervisor, maybe even a manager, and it will take a long time. You consider switching lines and then wonder if that is rude...afterall you are in the middle of the line its not like you can just sneak out of the end of the line and over to the next register.
...then it hits you...
you prayed for patience yesterday...
well this is what you get...
good job self you prayed for patience and now you are going to be late for your dentist appointment because this line is so slow...

and you become even more irritated...
and you think...well you know what they say: be careful what you pray for.

I don't like it...it is like an excuse to me. I think if you need to pray for something, and think you might need to pray for something...you should pray for it...don't be careful about it...just pray for it...

God knows whats best for you so He'll know if you need it or not...sometimes God's answer is no right? Right. But you should be prepared.

Pray for patience? be prepared to be late.
Pray for guidance? prepare to be led somewhere uncomfortable.
Pray for finances? prepare to be at wits end and solely relying on others.
Pray for God to work through you? prepare to serve others.
Pray for anything at all? prepare to GROW.

Grow in patience, grow in trust, grow in service...be prepared to grow.

Reactions, Reactions, Reactions

Today in my newsfeed I see many many reactions to the Supreme Court's decision about same-sex marriage.

I see people who are immensely happy.

I see people who have taken offense.

I see people who are trying to defend traditional marriage

I see people who are concerned about how this new ruling effects religious institutions.

I see also, a lot of confusion about what the beliefs and feelings of the Catholic Church are. Mind you, once again, I am not a theologian, I am not a member of a religious order, I am not the end all be all of what the Church believes...goodness knows I am human and I make mistakes...so if you are a theologian, feel free to correct me...

We believe in love.

Catholics are romantics...I've seen this meme floating around a lot lately. I cannot recall all of the reasons off of the top of my head...but we are...we are romantic. We believe in love.

We love homosexuals and those struggling with same sex attraction. I've seen posts about this as well. We love them, just as we love any human being. Christ loves us how we are. He knows we are sinners (we are all sinners...the churches and chapels around the world are FILLED with sinners), and He loves us anyway. We as Christians are to follow Christ's example. Did Christ not love the lowly of the lowly? Did he not speak with tax collectors and adulterers? Are we not supposed to love all humans as our brothers and sisters just as Christ did?

We are.

I see posts trying, attempting, to explain this love. How can you claim to love homosexuals and stand against same sex marriage? How can that be? How can you claim to love us and not let us get married. I understand how this can be confusing, and I have yet to see a post that I feel fully explains this love.

The bottom line is that we love humans so much that we do not want anyone to be living in sin. We love everyone so much we want desperately for them to get to Heaven. This is part of our faith that is unfortunately not usually properly explained, or is miscommunicated. I will try my best.

We believe that God made man and woman different on purpose; for procreation and raising families. When the two are joined together they become one flesh (Mark 10:8 or Matthew 19:6). We believe that this is only one reason that marriage should be between one man and one woman (although I must admit it is the reason I am most familiar with). I know this raises questions about single parent homes and children with divorced parents...but those questions would be better explained if given their own post. Regardless, we believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and that is evidenced through the story of Adam and Eve, as well as the way our bodies work.

That being said, we do believe it is a sin to stray away from that path. This yes, does mean that acting on homosexual urges and desires is a sin. It also means that having sex before you receive the sacrament of marriage is a sin. We believe that masturbation is a sin. We believe that viewing or taking part in pornography is a sin. No one said it was easy to follow Christ, but that it is worth it. It is worth it to follow Christ because He leads us to Heaven. He leads us to an eternal paradise. He leads us to capital L Love.

This is not to say that I am perfect and that I don't ever struggle with sins of the flesh (our ever so polite way to say lust). This is not to say that anyone is perfect, or that perfect people are never tempted. Jesus and Mary were perfect: they had a perfect ordering or emotions. Yet, throughout the New Testament (the part of the Bible where it talks about Jesus) Jesus is tempted. The difference between our temptation and Christ's temptation is that, well, He's perfect and therefore was able to win the battle against His temptation. We are not perfect, and often lose our battle against temptation. We means all of humanity, not only homosexuals, not only Christians, but all of imperfect humanity. We are asked to strive for holiness, we are asked to try and avoid those things that lead us into sin.

So while yes, we believe that people who experience same sex attraction should not act on that attraction, we do not hate them. We don't hate them, we do not think they are sick, and we don't think that they cannot be welcomed to our Church. We think that people who struggle with same sex attraction belong in our Church. They belong with Christ who loves them.

It is only if we, as a people who believe in Christ and His love, show others love that they will feel that they truly belong.

I feel like I rambled quite a bit, and I know I did not do justice to this topic, but I hope this starts to explain the love that I have for all individuals.

What even is normal?

I just....I just wish I had a normal life for once...

countless times I've had this thought....but recently something occurred to me

Struggle is normal

It is normal to find life difficult. It is normal to want more, and it is normal to be disappointed from time to time.

No one on this earth lives a normal, easy, plain and boring life. We all like to think that there is that one person out there that nothing ever happens to...well I'm not sure that that person exists.

I've never actually met anyone so content with their life that they do not want to strive for more...whatever more is to them.

I even live in a place (for the first time in my life) that we say...well nothing ever happens in ________
(this is not true...our police do indeed have things to do, we just don't hear about it)

I've come to realize that just because I struggle does not mean that my life is abnormal. My life, in fact, is normal in that I struggle.
Without a struggle what is there to do? Do the same thing day in and day out and never learn how to improve yourself? How boring!

(Look at this I've started unintentionally throwing some philosophy at you...what does this sound like? Erikson?)

Struggles are a huge part of what make us who we are. It is not so much the struggle itself, I suppose, but how we handle the struggle. Every person in some way is going through something: stress, family stuff, work stuff, personal battles in their mind, something.

You have options when you go through something: ask for help, be proactive, be reactive, dwell in the issue, the options are limitless. It is how you choose to handle the struggle (positively or negatively) that determines how you come out of the struggle. So, what will you do?

A year of change

Most people get reflective around the new year. Teachers get reflective as summer vacation begins.

At this time last year I was getting ready to embark on a grand adventure far far away from the comfort and protection of things familiar to me. I was getting ready to not only travel to a place where I knew no one...but to move there...the furthest south and the furthest west I've ever been in my life...and I moved here without even visiting once...what a scary and whirlwind decision.

So much has changed since then. I've had so many experiences, been to places my lil northern self could only dream of, experienced weather I'd only read about in science textbooks, and met many people.

I've learned a lot about communication, emotions and handling life as an adult. I've learned how easy I had it surrounded by like minded people at my Catholic college, or at my youth group growing up...and I'm learning how hard yet important it is to find that support when. You move away.

I'm learning how attached I am to my hometown even though it was my life goal to get the heck out of that place. It's where my family is, my sports teams are loved, and many many memories take place.

...but I'm making new memories.

I'm just about to officially finish my first year as a special education teacher. I've spent so much time and energy working with and working for my students that I feel they are a part of me. They've pushed me, pulled me, and torn me in several different directions. Sometimes there were tears, sometimes candy was a must to relieve stress, sometimes there was laughter, sometimes pure joy. It was a rough go at it, but when I was asked by a coworker if I was teaching special education again next year there was not a doubt in my mind that I would.

I'm looking forward to having a summer off for the first time since I was 16, and I'm excited to see where I am a year from now.

Just a Teacher

I worked with a substitute once.
When there weren't any students in the room we chatted a bit. And she asked me a question.

A question which I'm sure was meant to compliment my intelligence...but in all actuality it offended me.

So what's next for you? I'm sure you want to do more than just teaching.

I didn't have a good response at the time...but the more I think about it the more I know exactly what I want to say next time someone asks me.

Oh, but I already do more than "just teaching."

Sure I teach, so that is a giant part of what I do, but in reality I do SO much more than that.

I am a mentor.
officially and otherwise. I have a student I am a mentor to, but I like to think I mentor all of my students, or at least the ones who will open up to me that way. I like to check in with my students and see how they are doing; to check in with their other teachers and see what they need. I give them encouragement to do well in school and try to encourage them to do their best in order to get the most out of life.

I am a shoulder to lean on.
Kids have bad days, its part of life. I am there to comfort them if they will let me, to give them space if that's what they need. To care for them as they can't help but cry in front of their classmates. To welcome a hug or to give a pat on the back. I am the adult there for my students when they need someone to look to for comfort.

I am a momma bear to a sick lil one. 
But really though, I do get called mom on occasion. Remember those days when you got sent to school even though you didn't feel well? You didn't have a fever and mom had to go to work. It wasn't bad enough to stay home...but it wasn't good enough to want to be at school either. I'm there for those kids to acknowledge that they don't feel well. To feel their foreheads and reassure them that they don't have a fever. To let them get a drink of water which feels like liquid gold to a sick child in the middle of the school day. To let them rest their lil heads on the desk when their head is pounding.

I am the relief after your bad weekend.
Kids go through a lot these days. Poverty, parents getting divorced, many worse things. It is a lot for the child, and the weekend can be a nightmare. I have actually heard students saying they didn't want to go home for the weekend; that Friday is weird because it is a fun day of school but that its sad because they cannot come to school on the weekend. On Monday we are back; back to love them, back to entertain them, to make sure they have what they need, to bear the brunt of their anger, to dry their tears. We teachers are there to listen to them, to show patience and mercy, to create a safe place for our kids.

I am a writer.
I write lessons, I write word problems, I write the rules to new board games, and I write legal documents. I am a special educator, my student's educational future is in my hands. I write up 15-18 page legal documents that stay with the student at every school they attend. I have a chance to give them support and service, and to document it in a legally binding document.

I am a creator.
Students learn best when they are engaged. Students are engaged when they think it is fun. I am constantly thinking of new games for my students to use to practice skills that are critical to their progress in the regular education setting. I create ways to make learning addition and subtraction for the 6th month in a row fun again. I create reasons to smile in the middle...or even at the end of the day.

I am an actress.
Teaching is 90% acting. I write my own scripts by writing lesson plans....but life doesn't always go as planned and I end up running improv mode (I am so glad I took an improv class in high school). I am able to think on my feet and work with technology glitches...just today my technology quit working just as I had planned on my students going online...welp time to come up with something new before I lose the interest of my students!

I am a puzzle solver.
Special needs students are like puzzles; no two are alike yet many times the end goal is the same. Five children all need to learn the same math skill by the end of the year, but their brains work in very different ways. I admit it is frustrating in the beginning of the year when it feels like I am making zero progress. This point in the year, however when we are heading right towards, or surpassing mastery is the best thing in the world! Getting to that mastery, that is the puzzle...how can I present the same information in five different ways in order to make it make sense? How can I find where you are getting stuck?

So now I guess I have a much better response to give someone the next time they ask. I am so much more than a teacher.

Why I love being Catholic!

I'm no theologian so correct me if I'm wrong!

So I now live in a strange place where people actually talk about their faith fairly openly. It is strange to me being from a place where you keep your faith to yourself. I guess that is what happens when you move from the land of the blue states to the land of the red states...and to (according to FOX news anyway) the most pro-life state in the country!

Being around people who openly share their faith means that I have encountered people from various Christian denominations. This has been very interesting for me to learn all of the differences between our denominations, and to meet people who share and allow me to share without judgement.

This experience has also led me to a greater appreciation of my own Catholic faith. There are just some things that are so special about our faith.

We know who founded our faith.
Many, many, many people know who founded their denomination. How many of those people can say that the founder was Jesus Christ? We can. Jesus Christ founded our faith when he made Peter the rock of the Church; when he made Peter the first Pope.

Guys! Jesus is our founder! Jesus Christ, our savior, the lover of our souls, the lion and the lamb...guys God Himself is our founder!

Our perspective on Mary is phenomenal
We, like many others believe that Mary is the Mother of God. What is unique about the Catholic faith is the relationship we have with Mary. We believe that Mary wants us to be close to her Son and that she will lead us to Him. We do not worship Mary, but like the saint, we pray to her. We ask her to take our prayers and deliver them to her Son. Who better to bring our prayers to Jesus than his mother?

Jesus comes to Church with us!
We (probably) all know Matthew 18:20 "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
Cool, cool so when we gather and pray Jesus is there. This is very cool, but want to know what is even cooler? 
At the point of the consecration we believe, as Catholics, that the host actually becomes the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ.
Guys, do you know what that means? Do you? DO YOU?
It means Jesus is physically present with us at mass. JESUS IS PHYSICALLY THERE! How awesome is that?
Not only is He there, but He loves us so much he lets us consume Him. Guys we eat Jesus, we put Him in our mouths and eat him. Jesus goes inside of us!
WE ARE LIVING TABERNACLES!

We can attend mass anywhere in the world and be able to understand what is going on!
Because we follow the Pope, and we all believe the same thing, we believe in the order of the mass. A Catholic mass will always begin with the liturgy of the word, which is followed by the liturgy of the Eucharist. The mass is filled with scripture, prayers, music, and of course the miracle of bread, water, and wine becoming Jesus Christ. I can go anywhere in the country and participate in the mass. I can go anywhere in the world and know what is happening in the mass even if I do not understand the language. It is wonderful.

Forgiveness
The Catholic faith has seven wonderful sacraments: Baptism, Reconciliation, Communion, Confirmation, Marriage, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick. They are all awesome, but there is something about Reconciliation I want to pinpoint. Reconciliation, or confession, is a unique opportunity we have as Catholics to ask Christ for forgiveness. The priest in confession, works in persona Christi, which means in the person of Christ. This means we come before Christ to ask for forgiveness, and He gives it to us. Guys Christ really forgives us and we know because we are absolved of our sins. We don't have to wonder "did God forgive me for that, I mean I asked him in prayer but I'm just not sure if he granted forgiveness." We know because in the sacrament of confession, we are forgiven by the priest who is acting in the person of Christ. Christ works through that priest to forgive us! Whoah.

So those are a few of the reasons why I love my faith. I do truly enjoy learning about other people's faiths, and am often inspired by the strength of their faith, but I deeply love love love my faith. I love being a Catholic! This was a long post, perhaps I should have named it "Five Reasons Why I Love Being Catholic," seeing as we are now in a culture of lists. If you made it to the end of this post I give you mad props, and hope to see you in Church sometime!

The new girl in church

I've always been part of a church group...First I went to the Catholic school, and went to Children's Liturgy every Sunday...then CCD...the Youth Group...the a super duper Catholic college with many opportunities to be part of  a faith based group, households (kinda like sororities), ministries, mission trips, shoot we talked about God at work and in class...the companionship was everywhere...

but now...I'm the new girl...

er well I really shouldn't be the new girl anymore...

I moved here in August...and found a church I like enough to go to consistently about ummmm maybe 3 months ago...

...and I can count the number of times someone has spoken to me after church on one hand....and it was either an older woman or a small child...not a single person my own age...

This I am finding to be a problem in our church...think about it...how often do  you actually look around and talk to the people you don't know after mass? I bet it isn't too often.

We are regulars, we sit in our regular spots, talk to our regular friends and that's about it

Straight up it. We come we pray we talk to people we already know and we leave...

...but I have no one to talk to ...so I go to church, I pray, I leave...slowly walking out of the pew...hoping someone will talk to me...

I love love love my faith, don't get  me wrong, but the way we as Catholics interact with each other is disappointing..if we are all one body in Christ...why don't we speak to each other?

Think about it the next time you're in church...that person who always comes to mass alone? Say hello to them...really just a hello is all it takes to reach out to the new person in church.