Sometimes the Triumph is in the Trial

I know what you're thinking....Britt, how can a trial possibly be a triumph?

ok, I hear you, a trial is a bad thing right?

well, no, not always...it is a challenge is what it is.

For example: math was never...I mean never an easy subject for me...let's go back..wayyy back to the third grade...multiplication? never stuck with me. nope...had to memorize those times tables three summers in a row. And I still need to review them before I can properly teach them. I never took algebra, but I took AP Calculus AB...tell me that wasn't a giant tear-jerking challenge...

but you know what? every time I was able to correctly solve a problem I felt like a million bucks! No kidding. Now if math came easily to me would that triumph be so great? No, I don't think so. I think part of what made me feel so good about finally solving a problem correctly was that it took so much effort.

Or English...maybe you're like me and writing at the high school level was not an issue. Turning papers in never left me with a sense of accomplishment...there was no triumph...because there was no trial. When I got to college, however, (ohhh look at the fancy use of the word however) ...when I got to college my classes were harder, and my professors expected more of me. Writing became difficult. I had to attempt to figure out just what it was the professor wanted from me...and the papers got longer and longer as I progressed through college...and it was THEN that I struggled with writing, and THEN that turning in 20-25 page, professionally written papers made me feel like a boss! Only after the trial did I get the triumph.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Or when I'm teaching...which is new for me, to actually be teaching instead of pretending to teach my peers who are pretending to be first graders...actually teaching is difficult. Some days I just hop on that struggle bus and ride it all day until I get home from school...It is hard when you can tell that your students don't understand something...partly because you've been there, also because you care about them and their grades, and also because you are being watched like a hawk and you really need these kids to understand something. ...Well I'll tell you what...after teaching and teaching and struggling and struggling...that day when they finally understand and they can tell you the right answer...is amazing...there is just no feeling quite like it...it makes the trial...the struggle...the hard work...worth it...the greatest triumph comes through the greatest trial.

Still don't get it? ok well here's something for all you theological/philosophical types

ok so free will...why do we have it? Right? people are all like why did God even give us free will? why would He let us make the choice to hate Him? Why wouldn't He just want us to love Him forever...well its kinda like the triumph being in the trial. Our love is worth more if we choose it. The trial? well that is temptation, the desire to live the "easy life" to choose ourselves over God and others...the triumph? when we do remember that God comes first and we choose to love Him. If we didn't have to choose love would it be so meaningful? No, no it wouldn't. Mandatory love is just not meaningful.

So do you see what I'm saying?

Without the trial, the struggle, the temptation, the sleepless nights, and the great amounts of effort, the end result is not a triumph. Without having to try, the success means nothing. When it really means something is when you have to work for it. When you have to put your whole self into what you are doing. And then when it is finally over, when you have finally won, there, that is the triumph.

Why am I glad I was never "well-off" ???

It sounds weird I know. I was never considered well off...I never had a lot of money available to me...that happens when you have a big family.

First of all I don't know any different. This is my life, this is the way it has always been for me...I don't honestly know what it is like to not have to struggle with finances.

But now we can talk about why I am glad that I never had a lot of money.

Well, now I appreciate the money that I do have. I appreciate the money that I work for, and I especially appreciate it when someone goes out of their way to help me.

I know what hard work is, trust me, I have done my fair share of manual labor (she types as she is currently "working" in the computer lab). I know how to appreciate having a job even though it is difficult, or inconvenient. I know that I should be thankful just to have a job. I know that even if I'm working in a place with terrible customers, I can be thankful for that job and continue working in a plesant manner.

I know that life isn't always peaches and cream. My constant struggle with finances has taught me that...ya, life can be hard...in fact, it WILL be hard. There is no way around that, but because I already know this, I can accept the challenge and not feel the need to shrink into a dark corner every time I have an issue.

I have learned how to fight for things. Scholarships, loans, money, savings...I can fight for those things simply because I have had to learn how. It has made me independent, and knowledgeable about the financial world.

and I have learned to give when I can.

Being in the financial situations I have been in, I have experienced people helping me. I have witnessed the pure goodness of others through their help. Financial help, physical help, emotional help...just simply caring about me. I have come to appreciate these acts of kindness in ways that I cannot really describe.

But I know that I want to give back. Maybe it doesn't mean that I give back to the same person who helped me...Maybe it means I help someone else. There is always someone who needs help. I know that I appreciate help, and I hope to give others the joy that I have been given.

I write in all of those scholarship essays and such that I want to give back to the community. I want to help others the way I have been helped...and I mean it. I'm going to be a teacher...teachers are NEVER rich...never...poor is practically in the job description...this is clearly not something I am doing for the money...no...I want to help these kids. I want them to see that they can have a future and a bright one at that. I want to help others...my students, my peers, my colleagues...people I don't know...and I think I feel so strongly about this simply because of the life that I have lived...it was hard. I know it is hard for others, and I want to help make it easier...even if it is only a little bit easier, at least it is something that I can give.

Being Wanted is Exhausting

...but also very rewarding.

Those of you who know me likely know that I am student teaching this semester. I cannot tell you where, or what level, or what age or anything like that.

For seven hours a day I am in that classroom, and for seven hours a day I am needed...

They tell you during all of your college courses that your students need you, and that your students will look up to you, and will want you to fulfill their basic needs.

You hear your professors saying this...over and over again...and you believe it, but you don't really think anything of it.

Until your first time being in a classroom all day. For 6-7 hours you are in that classroom, for 6-7 hours you are a teacher, and for 6-7 hours...you are needed.

You are needed to make sure the students are ok, that they are safe, that they are fed, that they are learning, that they are behaving, and that they are cared for...you are needed for all of these things...for 30-35 hours a week...

That is a lot of being needed...and needed...and needed.

It is a lot of focus, a lot of speaking, and a lot of giving of yourself to your students

and it is exhausting...

never-mind the fact that you have to go home and plan lessons and grade papers

Basically by Friday all you want to do is put on some sweat pants and fall asleep in front of the television

I imagine that is much how parents feel, except they don't get a weekend.

Even though by the end of the week you are exhausted...there is just something about being needed that can't be beat.

Hearing the words "Build with me," or "I need your help," "I like your shirt," "Please tie my shoes."

Knowing that these students trust you with their learning, but also with their safety...

and seeing their smiles every day.

A simple good morning from a student is enough to make one forget how tired they are, and bring their focus back to the room.

It is amazing how truly wonderful it is to be wanted by my students, to be needed by them, and being able to help them...

and being tired is simply worth it...I wouldn't want to give up working with students for a little sleep...nope not at all